I'll Be the First to Say That Now I'm Ok

Well it's been a while since I've been here huh? Well here I am, just a few short weeks after Hurricane Sandy basically uprooted everything I've known and cared about since my childhood I just like to report that I am ok. Realistically, there is but one reason that I am doing so well over these last few weeks. (Sorry ahead of time, but this is probably going to be one of those sappy blogs so if you don't want to read about it then please click the little red, black, grey, whatever colored X on the top right hand corner of your screen) As one could probably guess knowing who I am, that one reason is actually a person and it doesn't take a smart person to know who that person is. Yes, my friends/aquaintences/etc. that person is Lauren. Shocking right? Well let's look at some details from o say the past week or so.

Just a short time ago Lauren came to me and basically reconfirmed her feelings for me while at dinner. That right there was a great thing to hear! It's a little thing, but in the mind frame I was in largely thanks to Sandy, it really helped to make me feel pretty good. In the past week or so, things seem so much fresher again. I can't really explain how or why, but they do. I find myself doing more of the things I did when we first got together again. I can tell she enjoys that and whether or not she intends for it to happen, she winds up doing the same. We've been watching a few movies as of late too which is a big change believe it or not. One of which is quite legendary in name, but somebody had a hard time staying awake through it. The name of the movie and name of the person will remain nameless as they should not sleep during said movie. Overall it's been an enjoyable experience watching them with her despite the randomness of some of them........ That one.........

So over the past week or so things have been going great to say the least. Tonight though was something really special I think. So please, someone correct me if I'm wrong, but the following stuff was really eye opening to me and made me realize just how lucky I am to have this woman in my life. Okay, so here is the scenario. We are driving to one of our favorite places to partake in dinner (Applebees) and wouldn't you know who was the car directly in front of us.... My most recent ex. From the moment I saw her car thoughts were racing through my head knowing how both Lauren and myself feel about her. So as I drove along side of her to get around her I had to look. Once I got past her I looked back at Lauren and my God did 4 years of stuff come rushing back to me and opened my eyes to what kind of a person I was with then and what kind of person I am with now. I am not one to compare Lauren with any of my exes, but in this case I had literally no choice. The amount of good that Lauren has done for me since she came into my life is literally insurmountable by any other living being on this or any other planet. When she first met me I was just a guy with no sense of direction in life, considering dropping out of college, and had literally no self esteem.

It didn't take long for her to start changing me for the better without even trying. She encouraged me to stay in school no matter how down on myself I got. Now I have a bachelor's degree and am pursuing my dream of becoming a Vet Tech. She's helped me see just how good of a person I am. Therefore I clearly have self esteem now. Sometimes I feel like I almost have too much and need to tone it down a bit. Do I have a sense of direction in life now? Well I'll tell you about that in a minute. For now though, let's look at what was. When I was with my ex, yes we kissed, cuddled, did things that a boyfriend and girlfriend would normally do. The issue is that something had to have been missing. When I am with Lauren, doing the same things I did with her, it feels totally different. I feel like I am loved. I feel like I am 100% accepted for who I am and what I stand for. I feel like I am trusted and feel an immense amount of trust for her as well. Given the type of person my ex was, trust was never really there until the end when I foolishly let my guard down. My feelings towards Lauren are nothing like those that I have felt for anyone before. Could it be because I am older and more mature now and able to tell what is real and what is not? I think that may have a piece to do with it, but I also think it has to do with us being able to work out our issues without one party not saying their piece.

That is about the end of that little trip down the why Lauren is awesome lane. Now lets figure out if I have direction in life. I have been with Lauren now for over 4 years and I honestly feel like she is the one. Right now we each have school going on and other factors that are preventing us from really moving ahead in life. As soon as it is possible and as soon as we both are ready, I really want to marry this woman. Yep there it is for the entire world to see. Lauren, I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you. You are by far the greatest thing to have walked into my life. It did not take me 4 years to see this and you know that. It's just that after tonight and the past week or so, I've been doing a ton of thinking. When the time is right I will ask you to be my wife, I promise that. You are the most beautiful person I have ever met an never want to be without you again. You are more than just my girlfriend Lauren, you are my best friend who I can go to with anything and everything. So do I have direction in life? Not 100% but here is the overall plan of mine... Step 1 and 2 are capable of changing depending on how my schooling goes. They are in no order... Obtain my vet tech license and get a job in a animal hospital, ask Lauren to marry me. Step 3: Marry Lauren. Well there's three steps anyway. What happens after that is too far off to figure out right now. Of course, 2 of the three steps have a lot to do with Lauren. So yes I do now have direction in life to a degree! Again, when I was with my ex, I had none of those things mentioned in this blog.

So after glancing at where I was 4 years ago then looking at where I am now, I feel so much better about who I am and where I am in life. As I mentioned, I fully intend to stay with Lauren as long as I humanly can. This woman has done so much for me and I am fully committed to trying to keep her happy for the rest of my life. I'd go to the ends of the world for her and that feeling will never change. Lauren, you are my life, I love you with all my heart and sincerely hope that things continue to work out as they have been!  

Cracking Into Two

Over the past 4 days I've been on a downward spiral. I have not been anywhere near who I've been for a long time now. I don't know what is wrong, but I feel something inside me festering. I hate it. I want it to go away. The more I hope for that to happen, the more it occupies my mind. If only I could pinpoint exactly what it was. It's causing me to regress quickly which is far from something I'm proud of.

My head feels heavy. It's like it's full of Jello and just weighs a ton. That's something else that I can't say I missed when I was on top of the world. I can't let myself be like this for long. I know I'm hurting people. I really don't mean to though. I thought I was past all this. What happened to me that sent me down this path again. What pushed me to the edge. Am I simply overworked? The old saying is all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Over the past 4 days I think I've been working just as long, if not longer than I have been home and awake. Still though, I doubt that is the root of all this. Something else, more meaningful had to have happened that subconsciously broke something inside me.

Did I lose something? Did I just lose my mind. After all, I totally forgot that my birthday is this coming Friday. I literally had no idea till Lauren mentioned going out to dinner for it. Whatever is going on..... I need to get out of it. I need to figure out what has happened to my mind and fix it. I just completed a major thing in my life with graduating and I'm not about to let my life go up in smoke again. I'm tired of it. If I need to hunker down and take some time to think about what has happened I will take it. I'm not going to continue hurting people who I love. Perhaps it's something that will simply blow over. I doubt it, but I'm still going to try and figure things out on my own.

Lets See Where My Taste In Music Has Gone...

Ok so fun idea time. I'm going to do one of those things where I put my ipod on shuffle and see what I get for 10 songs. The last time I did this was way back when Myspace was big. The results consisted of mostly Avenged Sevenfold, Eighteen Visions, and Bleeding Through. I'm pretty sure my taste in music has evolved and expanded since then, so let's see what I run into this time. For this fun little experiment I think I will skip the video game and movie soundtracks and just focus in on bands that I listen to. So here we go...

1.) Hello by Evanescence



I guess I'll type a little bit up about why I listen to these bands. From a musical standpoint, I think that Amy Lee, the lead singer of Evanescence has a great voice. Why I am not a huge fan of the band's newer material, the raw emotion and incredible music that Evanescence put out in the album Fallen is simply amazing and in some cases even entrancing.

2.) Death Anxiety by Bleeding Through



Well here is a blast from my high school days. Yes I still listen to screaming metal music. It's something I enjoy listening to. I will say though that I don't listen to it anywhere near as much as I used to. Ironically, the album Declaration, which this song is off of is really that last Bleeding Through album that I have truly enjoyed. In fact it is off the album that I enjoy the most of the four Bleeding Through albums I have.

3.) Tendencies by Hollywood Undead



Hollywood Undead is a pretty new band to me still. I have both of their albums, but I can't honestly say I like every one of their songs. The are a hybrid band that mixes metal with rap. Normally I hate rap and I am not a fan of the bands straight rap songs. The ones that mix it up a great deal I find pretty cool such as this song. Many of this bands songs have themes that make the person listening feel untouchable. The band also loves to make fun of many aspects of people's lives. Guess it's a good thing they wear masks huh?

4.) Out of Reach by Funeral For A Friend



Funeral For A Friend is one of those bands that I was not a huge fan of when I first heard them, but as time has gone on they have grown on me. This song is off the album Tales Don't Tell Themselves. Out of the three albums I have fr this band, this is probably my favorite, though Casually Dressed & Deep In Thought is also really good.

5.) Give Me Novacaine by Green Day



When I first heard the album American Idiot, I hated the majority of it. I did quickly fall in love with it and it's now right up there as one of my favorite albums of all time. The song itself is not my favorite off the album, but certainly does carry a sad message to it. That message isn't that hard to find once you know the story being told in American Idiot.


6.) Paradise City by Guns N' Roses



Here's a classic. It wasn't until recently that I started listening to this older rock music. Guns N' Roses is certainly a great band and I really cannot argue the fact that Slash is one of the greatest guitar players of all time. No further explanation is needed, just listen to the awesomeness.

7.) End Transmission by AFI



I was a huge fan of AFI's Decemberunderground and also enjoy this song off the album Crash Love. The album is quite different than Decemberunderground, but it is still a pretty solid album. AFI falls perfectly into the category of music I listen to.

8.) Last Night On Earth by Green Day



Here's another Green Day song off the album 21st Century Breakdown. This song has kind of become that little song that does nothing for me, but make me think of Lauren and how lucky I am to have her in my life. It's quite the beautiful song, so I figured it deserved the live video sung by non other than Billie Joe Armstrong.

9.) Helena by My Chemical Romance



Here's another oldie, but as far as I'm concerned, goodie! My Chemical Romance has been one of my favorite bands for a couple of years now and at this point, this is just classic MCR at its best! Enjoy Helena!

10.) Girl With Golden Eyes by Sixx:A.M.



Wow... Talk about a way to finish this off... The first time I heard this song I literally cried a little. This song is all about heroin addiction. At this point in my life I know plenty of people who have their issues with addiction. Sixx: A.M. is one of the most emotionally moving bands I have ever heard. The story of the album The Heroin Diaries is truly a musical masterpiece of tragic proportions. The lead singer of the band is a recovering Heroin addict himself. In fact he is the old bassist of another popular band. His name is Nikki Sixx and he cowrote the book, The Heroin Diaries to which this album was released to. It is an incredible story of life and death through addiction. In the end... Life is beautiful... Addiction is just a monster...

Ok so that's my 10 random songs. There is a severe lack of Avenged Sevenfold and Eighteen Visions in this list where as the last time, I'd say 7 out of 10 were those 2 bands.

Summer Shudder

I guess you could say summer is in full swing for me. Work has been okay for the most part, some irritations, but that's to be expected. I just keep my head low and try to avoid stupid political crap. It seems to work out, but some people I guess don't realize I want nothing to do with it. Anyway... This blog isn't about work or anything of that sort, nor is it about conservation. Rather this little blog is about what's not going on in my life for once. Lately I've become quite curious about the appeal of certain things that are not a part of my life.

I'm not sure if it's that I am overconfident, ignorant, or just plain old missing something, but I cannot ever remotely figure out what the big appeal is with going to bars, getting hammered, and posting photos or your good time on the internet. I simply don't understand any of it. Nowadays employers check people's Facebook pages before an interview and well... I don't see how it is at all rewarding to do this. If anything it makes yourself look like an idiot to a lot of people while making yourself look cool to others who probably don't have their lives in order or have a true sense of decency.

I'm also not sure what the appeal is of going to a bar to simply try and get with a girl or guy. I've been with Lauren almost 4 years and she was certainly not a bar hookup. It makes me wonder if it's like a confidence thing or something else that people feel they can't legit find someone away from a bar? In particular, those who claim they want to have a good relationship I don't understand... If I was looking for a good girlfriend, a bar would be the last place I would even think to go to... At least I don't have that to worry about :).  

The Story of the Manta and Mobula

Picture this. You're swimming in the Ocean and suddenly you see a very large shadow below you. At another glance you notice that the shadow is roughly 25 feet long and has a body shaped not like a shark but a ray. This is not your typical stingray though. This is a manta ray, one of the most gentle creatures in the sea. Weighing up to 5,000lbs, this creature has never harmed a single human being. Despite being a ray, this ray has no stinging tail or barb. This ray can live for 20 years, but like sharks and other rays, this ray matures later in life. Manta rays can only give birth to up to 16 pups in the course of their entire lives, which means there are not too many of them on the planet. Female manta rays will give birth to just one pup at a time. The pups weigh roughly 25lbs and tends to stay in very shallow waters. This creature, so gentle and majestic, is in need of our help...



Now picture this. You're on a boat when suddenly a small ray launches into the air. You sit and wonder if you really just saw a ray leap out of the water. Then it leaps out of the water once more and does a flip! You watch in amazement as the creature continues to seemingly perform tricks while jumping out of the water. This ray, the Mobula, is the smallest member of the Manta Ray family. Unlike manta rays that grow to massive sizes, the mobula gets a wingspan of roughly 2 feet. This little ray was once common in the Sea of Corte, but much like their larger cousins... These animals need our help...

Both manta and mobula rays are quickly vanishing from the world's Oceans. More and more people are fishing for these animals and killing them for various reasons. The most prominent of these reasons is to harvest the animal's gill rakers. Just 2lbs of gill rakers from a manta ray sells for $500 U.S. in China. The purpose for the harvest is to reduce toxin levels in human blood.which can lower body temperature and improve circulation. Much like the benefits of eating shark fin soup, there is no scientific proof that consuming manta ray gill rakers has any benefits to human health. The rest of the ray is either tossed or cut up and used to make fake scallops, leather boots and wallets, and fake shark cartilage. Economically there is virtually no value to any part of the ray except the gill rakers.

Little is known about the populations of these incredible animals. As a result, there are very few rules and regulations are currently in place to protect them. Currently, the Manta Ray is listed as Vulnerable to extinction on the IUCN's Red List while the Mobula Ray is listed as Data Deficient. These animals need our help and as the demand for gill rakers continues to increase, their populations are sure to decrease. With no scientific backing to the claim of health benefits, there is really no reason to be killing these animals other than pure greed.

The End Is Here

Yesterday I officially became a graduate of Kean University with a degree in History. What I'd like to do from here on in is really up to me. It's looking like I'm going to be getting into law somewhat on a research based job. More on that though if that is the path I choose to take. For this summer though I will remain at the Aquarium and Candy Store. It's kind of strange thinking that my time in both of those places may be coming to an end in a few months. It's really kind of a strange feeling. Not as strange as feeling that I have no classes anymore. It's like opening a door and seeing nothing but the sea in front of you. No land anywhere to be seen. No one telling me which way to go or how to get there. At this point it is all up to me. For this weekend though, I am going to just work and really relish the moment of just graduating and being done with classes. Of course there are a few people that I want to publicly thank.

First of all I have to thank my parents. Without them. I would not have been able to even go to school let alone graduate. The faith that they had in me over the past 5 years is incredible and words really can't describe it at all. There have been some crazy things that have happened over the past 5 years, but through it all, everything worked out and they've helped keep my head high, even in the darkest times. I also have to thank Lauren for pushing me to keep going when I considered stopping my schooling after OCC. Her support has helped me accomplish a lot. All three of these people have had an incredible influence on me and I cannot thank them enough for all they have done for me.

This summer I am going to once again put a lot of time into spreading the word about the world's Oceans. This time however I am going to try and show people what the world is going to turn into as species vanish off the face of the Earth. The species this year that I am going to focus on are sharks, dolphins, whales, seals, and new for this year, bluefin tuna. The title of this campaign will be Operation: Bleeding Seas. The name came from a friend named Stephanie with the message of us bleeding our seas dry. I think it is an incredibly fitting name for what I am trying to get across this summer.

So that is the plan for the immediate future for me. Till next time!

Can You Hear Me Now?

It's been 4 months since my last blog and my God it has been busy. I'm currently in my final two weeks of my last semester as an undergraduate at Kean University. Barring any kind of insane failure, I'll be able to graduate with a GPA of roughly 3.7 which would make me an honors graduate. That's the goal at this point, so I just have to finish strong and that will be achieved. 

Despite all the good that has been going on in my life I lost a friend who I considered my brother. I don't know what I did to change his feelings towards me in a negative way, but after thinking a lot I can to some realizations on the subject that I'm fairly certain I can say on here without ruffling any feathers. For the past X amount of years I've been there for this person when he's needed someone to talk to. I've seen him at his greatest lows and was always there to try and give helpful advice. Something happened a while back and this person started to slowly drift away to a different scene, the bar scene. Still, I was there for him to talk to when a girl made him feel like an idiot, or when his other friends accused him of doing some really messed up things. Since the last time I've talked to him, from what I gather his life has not improved, but his drinking has greatly increased. So I came to this conclusion. I was only needed in this person's life when things were not going the way he wanted them to. When depression and anger were at an apex. My generally negative attitude towards drinking and for that matter smoking, led to a lot of deception. Two instances that come to mind was when I saw him at Quick Check smoking away on a cigarette. After avidly claiming he doesn't smoke. The other instance involved him ditching out on me to go to a bar. Not trying to air out dirty laundry, but these are my justifications to my feelings. So I figure that I am probably better off without this person. If he decides that our friendship is more important than the bars he gets thrown out of, I will be more than willing to try and reconcile, but for now I will move on.

So that's the one negative thing. Moving back to the positives that have been going on for the last 4 months... Work has been going really well. I've had several really cool opportunities that I am happy to have been offered. Two of the most recent was doing a shark program for teachers and another was an outreach to the Staten Island Zoo which ended in meeting a New York Congressman and learning a bit about Rattlesnakes and  Desert Tortoises. It was quite interesting to me seeing as I have two snakes of my own. It was nice getting some other professional perspectives on the venomous side of snakes. So work at the Aquarium continues to go smoothly and I've opened up a bit to some more co workers, which is a good thing I think. Of course I still have the group that I consider a second family at this point. Even in my personal sadness of the Alligators having to move south, I've kept a really positive attitude considering the Penguin exhibit is finally under construction.

My braces are finally off and my teeth are now straight. Oddly enough my tooth has not chipped since it was repaired, so I'm thinking that the braces certainly did their intended job of not allowing my one tooth to slam the corner of the other. I've gotten back into Starcraft II a lot recently thanks to the game Desert Strike which is a great strategic tug o war game in a Starcraft environment. As far as playing YuGiOh, I currently have just 2 decks that I play with from time to time with friends at school. Other than that, I hardly play anymore.

Lauren and I are still together. It's getting close to 4 years. This semester has really been a test for both of us. She has had an incredibly rough semester compared to my 1 class. She's been incredibly stressed, which is totally understandable, so I have been trying my best to try and keep her head up. I really doubt I would be able to do this for anyone else. I think about my past girlfriends and I think what I really would have done for them. I really can't say that I would have been able to do what I have done for any of them. I can't believe how lucky I am to have Lauren when I look at my exes. One has a kid and is 2 years younger than I am. One has had 2 abortions and she's younger than me. Lauren? She's kept my head on straight and I've done what I can to keep hers' on as well. At some point during the summer I would like to take her somewhere for a weekend to unwind and have some fun after such a stressful semester. We'll have to see how that works out though. Love can do some crazy things and realistically, without her I really question just how motivated I would have been to continue through school past OCC, let alone how much I have improved mentally.

So if you read this blog in full, thank you for reading and remember to do this to stay healthy...