Sadness, sorrow, fatigue, anger, fury, insomnia, an appetite with as many mood swings as a teenage girl, silence, and constant nightmares. All of this sums up what I've been dealing with over the past few weeks. I feel overworked, unappreciated, and even unwanted. I want to get out of here soooo badly, but I have literally nowhere to go. I feel like a bird that can usually fly, but right now I have a broken wing so all I can do is kind of gimp along and not fly. I feel like I am being restrained from moving on with life. I don't know what I want to do anymore. I'd rather not teach, but at this point I don't have much an option. Just like I figured I would, I'm kicking myself for leaving the field of biology. That was a stupid choice that I scared myself out of by looking at big scary math and science courses. I'm just leaving that whole situationat that. Just a dream I took into my own hands and shattered for no real reason.
I've hit a point this summer where I've realized that I am and have been working far too much. I've had I think 2 days off in the last 3 weeks. I know I'm working too much, but I need the money and it keeps my mind off other things. The problem is I'm starting to wear down a lot from it. My arms are tired out, my mind is far from at ease, and I feel like I'm just spinning in circles week after week. I've been in the ocean for all of 10 minutes all summer and have probably been swimming a whopping 4 times? The rest of the time I'm at work and by the time I get home, I have nothing left and I just wanna lay around. I feel distance growing between myself and many of my friends and co-workers. I'm trying desperatly to prevent that from happening, but I wonder if it's worth it when I'm trying and the others are not.
It's like the only happiness I can grab at this point is when I am with Lauren. I can't seem to stay sad or mad very long when I am with her. I feel wanted and accepted when I'm with her and I literally have dreaded leaving her side whenever the time comes. It sucks so hard when I know what I want and how I want to get it, but just cannot do it in the least bit. So now I continue on my way. Gimping along the road of life with one wing and a chain around my neck. At least I have myself to keep me company while I'm here and not with Lauren.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Despite All My Rage, I Am Still Just A Rat In A Cage
So here I am yet again sitting at my computer typing up another blog. Time to talk about the usual things like ranting about, touching on my social life, and any kind of displeasure I may have towards certain people.
First lets ramble about some displeasures I have right about now. I am sick and tired of people at the boardwalk. I mean come on... your down here visiting from New York or wherever you come from. Show a little respect to the people who live here year round and show some respect to our environment. I'm sick of riding or walking into work and passing by countless numbers of beer bottles and plastic red cups. Waiting for the 4th of July fireworks show, about 20 different wastes of life came up to myself, Lauren, and my dad and asked if we were waiting for the shuttle to the boardwalk. Doesn't sound like much of an issue right? Well I felt it was due to the lack of dress the girls had, the smoking in our faces, and drinking and leaving their trash in the parking lot. It's disgusting and shows a total lack of respect. There is a constant stream of police and first aid heading for the Tiki Bar to arrest these people and give first aid to those who have literally drank themselves into submission. The boardwalk that I knew as a kid is literally a thing of the past. Even in the aquarium there are less families and less strollers about where they were more than plentyful just a few years ago. The bars are doing more buisness then ever before and the crowd itself has literally changed. Mostly a bunch of guidos thinking they're hot stuff because some people managed to get popular in a location about 20 minutes south of us. (Seaside Heights)
As far as a social life is concerned. I guess things are going pretty well. I've been keeping pretty busy after work hanging out with either Lauren or Matt, or both. That's good I suppose. Not going to lie though. As of late I have been feeling rather tired. Probably just from not getting enough sleep and overextending myself with things I should not worry about. It's so strange to know that I have been with Lauren now for 1 year and 9 months. It's just strange because it's the first time I can say I am not worried everyday about if or if she will not be there when the sun rises. She's so good to me it's not even funny. I try my best to do the same in return, but constantly seem to screw it up in one way or another.... I guess she sees what my intentions are or something cause she always puts up with it. I just wish I wasn't so socially inept when it comes to her... All in all though. Things are good. Time for bed because I have work in the morning and I need to sleep after today's boardwalk nightmare.
First lets ramble about some displeasures I have right about now. I am sick and tired of people at the boardwalk. I mean come on... your down here visiting from New York or wherever you come from. Show a little respect to the people who live here year round and show some respect to our environment. I'm sick of riding or walking into work and passing by countless numbers of beer bottles and plastic red cups. Waiting for the 4th of July fireworks show, about 20 different wastes of life came up to myself, Lauren, and my dad and asked if we were waiting for the shuttle to the boardwalk. Doesn't sound like much of an issue right? Well I felt it was due to the lack of dress the girls had, the smoking in our faces, and drinking and leaving their trash in the parking lot. It's disgusting and shows a total lack of respect. There is a constant stream of police and first aid heading for the Tiki Bar to arrest these people and give first aid to those who have literally drank themselves into submission. The boardwalk that I knew as a kid is literally a thing of the past. Even in the aquarium there are less families and less strollers about where they were more than plentyful just a few years ago. The bars are doing more buisness then ever before and the crowd itself has literally changed. Mostly a bunch of guidos thinking they're hot stuff because some people managed to get popular in a location about 20 minutes south of us. (Seaside Heights)
As far as a social life is concerned. I guess things are going pretty well. I've been keeping pretty busy after work hanging out with either Lauren or Matt, or both. That's good I suppose. Not going to lie though. As of late I have been feeling rather tired. Probably just from not getting enough sleep and overextending myself with things I should not worry about. It's so strange to know that I have been with Lauren now for 1 year and 9 months. It's just strange because it's the first time I can say I am not worried everyday about if or if she will not be there when the sun rises. She's so good to me it's not even funny. I try my best to do the same in return, but constantly seem to screw it up in one way or another.... I guess she sees what my intentions are or something cause she always puts up with it. I just wish I wasn't so socially inept when it comes to her... All in all though. Things are good. Time for bed because I have work in the morning and I need to sleep after today's boardwalk nightmare.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)