Total Nightmare

Sadness, sorrow, fatigue, anger, fury, insomnia, an appetite with as many mood swings as a teenage girl, silence, and constant nightmares. All of this sums up what I've been dealing with over the past few weeks. I feel overworked, unappreciated, and even unwanted. I want to get out of here soooo badly, but I have literally nowhere to go. I feel like a bird that can usually fly, but right now I have a broken wing so all I can do is kind of gimp along and not fly. I feel like I am being restrained from moving on with life. I don't know what I want to do anymore. I'd rather not teach, but at this point I don't have much an option. Just like I figured I would, I'm kicking myself for leaving the field of biology. That was a stupid choice that I scared myself out of by looking at big scary math and science courses. I'm just leaving that whole situationat that. Just a dream I took into my own hands and shattered for no real reason.

I've hit a point this summer where I've realized that I am and have been working far too much. I've had I think 2 days off in the last 3 weeks. I know I'm working too much, but I need the money and it keeps my mind off other things. The problem is I'm starting to wear down a lot from it. My arms are tired out, my mind is far from at ease, and I feel like I'm just spinning in circles week after week. I've been in the ocean for all of 10 minutes all summer and have probably been swimming a whopping 4 times? The rest of the time I'm at work and by the time I get home, I have nothing left and I just wanna lay around. I feel distance growing between myself and many of my friends and co-workers. I'm trying desperatly to prevent that from happening, but I wonder if it's worth it when I'm trying and the others are not.

It's like the only happiness I can grab at this point is when I am with Lauren. I can't seem to stay sad or mad very long when I am with her. I feel wanted and accepted when I'm with her and I literally have dreaded leaving her side whenever the time comes. It sucks so hard when I know what I want and how I want to get it, but just cannot do it in the least bit. So now I continue on my way. Gimping along the road of life with one wing and a chain around my neck. At least I have myself to keep me company while I'm here and not with Lauren.